I say "I think" because I haven't weighed myself in about a week. I've learned a lot with the idea of Intuitive Eating, and I've turned myself away from a lot of the guilts that I've had. Working out now is a lot more about the pleasure of feeling the blood run faster through my veins than about hoping that this particular twenty minute session will be the one that magically makes me lose all my extra weight.
Eating is about eating when I'm hungry. I eat what I want, I listen to my body and not just my tastebuds ... but that means that I listen to my nutritional calling, I eat what my body craves, not what my tongue thinks would be tasty at the moment. I also listen to my stomach. When it growls, it lets me know that I am hungry, and I eat something. When it doesn't, I don't eat. Simple. And when I'm no longer hungry, I don't eat more, even if it was really great tasting and I'd love a few more nibbles.
I drink my water because it's what I like, and if I crave some chips and a soda, then I open a can of coke and fry up some chips, no problem.
It's funny, this type of thinking makes me a lot more aware of my food moods. More aware of when I'm likely to crave something sweet, or salty. More aware of when I'm likely to just want to go nuts on some corn or peas ... when I most want some chicken or tuna.
I haven't been losing pounds according to my schedule, or according to my lying scale, but there's something going on, that's for sure. Today I went to buy some new jeans. Just one pair for now, and I will buy new ones again soon to keep a running line of jeans that fit. But when I started my struggle for weight loss almost two years ago, I was wearing size 20 jeans. Size 20 STRETCH jeans. Oh yeah, baby. The big ones.
The past two years have been such a struggle for me in my weight loss, and I've been through so much in that time that it's no wonder. But here I am ... I've finally lost that first 20 pounds ... and today those new jeans are still the stretchy denim, but now that's because I like the way they move with my body. However, there is one thing different, and that's the size. I'm down to a size 14 stretch!! A SIZE FOURTEEN!
Something else has changed too. I've gotten myself an exercise bike, and I use it whenever I can. It makes me remember how much I've always wanted one, and it makes me realize how much I still want a treadmill. But it also makes me thankful that God showed me where to find one that was super-affordable ... and one that was totally ready for the taking. So now I've got it, and it's great. It's helping me to remember how much I love working out, and that's cool because I can do the workout video thing ... but I've never really been a video girl. I've always been the weight-lifting, workout machine, get buff kind of girl. I've never had that body, but I've always had those preferences. So this is a start. Next steps? A treadmill, some free weights, and maybe someday a room that's empty and just begging to be a home gym.
Maybe it took me two years to lose the measly twenty pounds that I've lost. And maybe it was totally hard. But along the way, I've learned a lot about my body, a lot about myself. I learned to accept myself for who I am no matter what size that happens to be, and I've learned it doesn't have to be about Weight Watchers/Jenny Craig/Atkins/You-Name-It ... Right now it's just about feeling good in my own skin, making me look the way I feel. Changing the picture in the mirror and making it look more like the one in my head.
So in the next two years, or months, or days, while I do hope to post about more losses and more clothes that are too big and deserately needing to be replaced, right now I think I'd rather post about changes within me, changes in my mind and in my life. Changes from the inside that are meant to make me better for me, a better person and a better mother. Because I never wanted to be a supermodel anyway.