Friday, February 22, 2008

1-2-3 NOT IT

So I used to think that my mother had horrible taste in men. She got my father first, and while he was a good dad to me while I was growing up, he probably wasn't the best husband. Then again, I'm sure she wasn't the best wife. She's a little nuts, and he's got a nasty temper. Bad combination. Her second marriage wasn't any better, and was worse in lots of ways. This guy had more than a nasty temper, he had a violent streak that would shock the pants off you. Once he ran my mother over with a truck because he was going to run over his own daughter, but my mom stood in the way to protect her.

I thought my dad had bad taste in women. He likes the crazy ones apparently. First he had my mom, and now that she's older and gone through the trauma of her second marriage, I think she might be schizophrenic, but we'll never know because she refuses to be checked out. Then his second marriage wasn't all peaches and cream either. She's got bi-polar disorder, which in itself is okay if you treat it. Well, she's one of those ones that'll take her meds for a few days and say to herself, "I feel good today. I'll just stop taking that stuff, I don't need it." And then spend the next three weeks in the psych ward because she goes all fruity.

And I thought my cousin was bad at it too ... she likes to pick ones that beat her up. Her husband didn't, I don't think ... but her son's father has slapped her, pushed her, even held her at gunpoint. After that she had another boyfriend that bit the piss out of her one time. And then this other guy that she talks to sometimes, he's got the kindergarten style of flirting ... kick 'em, pinch 'em, flick 'em in the nose. Silly.

But I guess we've all got flaws in our "type". My first love turned out to be a party animal so bad that even if he were to knock on my door today needing a friend, I'm not sure I could be there for him. The second was the first womanizer I ever found myself tied to, and boy that was a mess. We had a fight once about sex, and he told me that if he couldn't get it from me, he get it elsewhere. The bad thing is that he did get it from me, and he still got it "elsewhere" too. And if I wasn't scarred from my childhood, that would have been the start, and was certainly the start of my long LONG list of inhibitions. We tend to internalize everything as teenagers. It's always our own fault when it's something like that. It's something we didn't do, or something we didn't do right, right? It's not the cheating lying pig, it's us. Somehow we must have been lacking. The truth is, the only thing lacking in teenagers that end up with guys like that is their judgment.

Then again ... the one after that was a fan of mind games. He'd like to talk down about himself just to make someone else have to lift him up. An ego-stroke junkie? I guess, but in some ways I guess we all are. Anyway, it was too much for me to take, constantly having to lift up someone else in spite of my own issues, which by the way, he didn't even know about. Maybe that's why even though the head games were annoying, he never really managed to hurt me. It seems that it's only the ones you tell about the pain in your past that can hurt you. And the sad thing is, they do it by doing whatever it was that you told them hurt you in the past.

Ex-Husband knew about my party animal, and he knew about my cheater. So he partied without me whenever he could, cheated on me I don't know how many times (it's a wonder I didn't catch anything, I know for a fact that he did), and added drug "addiction" to the mix. And don't get me started on that little crutch, "Addiction". It's not a disease people, and don't f-ing tell me that you can't help it, it's just something in your wiring that wasn't set up right. YOU CAN HELP IT. YOU CAN STOP IT. JUST QUIT BEING LAZY MORONS AND STOP DOING IT!

It's not that hard.

But now? Now I've moved on past that, and I only get upset about that stuff when it raises up to bite me in the @$$ every now and then. Like lately. Now I've got one that used to be a party animal. So I constantly feel like I'm supposed to be competing with the excitement of the party life he had, the fun, the street racing, the gambling, the girls, the booze.

And I'm not living up to it. How could I, I'm just a stay at home mom, an exciting day for me is when we take a picnic to the park and feed the ducks. Watch out now, right?

But the hard thing about it is that it's not all. It's not just living up to the past, it's getting by in spite of the present. Boyfriend and I are good together, every aspect of our life is just as it should be. Except for the porn. He says that he can't seem to stop it, and to give him credit, he has tried hard, and he did have it kicked until recently when he was out of a job and things got really stressful around here. But the porn "relapse" doesn't help. Not at all.

And I can't help feeling like there's something in me that's lacking. He had pictures of me, ones that I let him pose me and take for himself. In spite of my inhibitions, in spite of the fact that I knew he'd pose me in ways that would be terribly unflattering to the belly I'm busting my big butt to lose. Unflattering to the breasts which are no longer perky and cheerful without the help of a bra. So why would I feel lacking? Because the "relapse" may have started with me, but it didn't sit with me. It went elsewhere. He went elsewhere. Not literally, he didn't go out and cheat or anything. But still, when he's having sex in his head with other women that are trashy enough to lay it all out and then post it online ... It feels the same.

And it is the same.

(27)"You have heard it said, 'Do not commit adultery.' (28)But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. (29)If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell." --Matthew 5:27-29 NIV

Now I've got the student version of this Bible, and before someone leaves a comment on how nasty it is for me to think my man should gouge his own eye out and throw it away, let me also post what the student notes are that go with those particular verses.

Verses 5:27-28 -- It says: The Old Testament law said that it is wrong for a person to have sex with someone other than his or her spouse. But Jesus said that the desire to have sex with someone other than your spouse is mental adultery, and thus it is sin. Jesus emphasized that if the act is wrong, then so is the intention. To be faithful to your spouse with your body but not your mind is to break the trust so vital to a strong marriage. Jesus is not condemning natural interest in the opposite sex or even healthy sexual desire, but the deliberate and repeated filling of one's mind with fantasies that would be evil if acted out.

Verses 5:27-28 -- It also says: Some think that if lustful thoughts are sin, why shouldn't a person go ahead and do the lustful actions too? Acting out sinful desires is harmful in several ways: (1)it causes people to excuse sin rather than stop sinning (like "addiction"?); (2)it DESTROYS marriages; (3)it is deliberate rebellion against God's word; (4)it ALWAYS hurts someone else in addition to the sinner. Sinful action is more dangerous than sinful desire, and that is why desires should not be acted out. Nevertheless, sinful desire is just as damaging to righteousness. Left unchecked, wrong desires will result in wrong actions and turn people away from God.

Verses 5:29-30 -- It says: When Jesus said to get rid of your hand or eye, he was speaking figuratively. He didn't mean literally to gouge out your eye, because even a blind person can lust. But if that were the only choice, it would be better to go into Heaven with one eye or hand than to go to hell with two. We sometimes tolerate sins in our lives that, left unchecked, could eventually destroy us. It is better to experience the pain of removal (getting rid of a bad habit or something we treasure, for instance) than to allow the sin to bring judgement and condemnation. Examine your life for anything that causes you to sin, and take every necessary action to remove it.



I came here today to clear my head. To feel sorry for myself right here where I could weep and whine and moan, and get it over with so that I could go on with my day. But I guess pulling out my Bible was a good idea, because before I came in here, I prayed for a way to feel better, at least for the moment.

I think of Boyfriend as my husband. In every way, we live in a married relationship. Except for the legalities, and that's because of some other issues that I won't post here. And I've been told, "Well, if it's that big a deal, you don't have to stay in the relationship. Leave him." But I can't because I still love him, and because Jesus also said that divorce is only okay in the case of infidelity. Because of mental adultery, I'd be okay to leave, and Jesus would not hold me at fault. However, my student notes for Matthew 5:31-32 say this about His words: Jesus said that divorce is not permissible except for unfaithfulness. This does not mean that divorce should automatically occur when a spouse commits adultery. The word translated, "Unfaithfulness" implies a sexually immoral life-style, not a confessed and repented act of adultery. Those who discover that their partner has been unfaithful should first make every effort to forgive, reconcile, and restore their relationship. We are always to look for reasons to restore the marriage relationship rather than excuses to leave it.

I begged God to show me a way to see the "bright side", to feel better at least for a minute. And He did. He sent me to my computer to blog, knowing that I'd see the little icon that means Boyfriend's accountability software is still running. Knowing that I'd see the 51st Psalm on the computer desktop. Knowing that I'd see the verses Boyfriend printed up to keep next to the computer where he couldn't help but notice them: James 1:13-15, Mathhew 5:27-29, and 1 Corinthians 10:13. God wanted me to remember that Boyfriend isn't perfect ... but he's trying to better himself. He's trying to kick it. He's trying. And that does make me feel better.

But it still doesn't help with the idea that Boyfriend is a computer geek. He's going to go back into college and take courses for a degree in the IT field. That means all computers, all the time. How can he remove the source of his temptation if it's the source of his living? And I don't even think that that's occurred to him: to stay away from computers, period. Then again ... would he if it did occur to him? I doubt it.

Well, see what God has in store for that, but I guess if the porn issue gets kicked, we won't have to worry about what's on the computer screen will we?