Thursday, August 21, 2008


Lately I'm feeling a little lonesome. Fiance and I are planning the wedding, and planning ways to climb over a few legal hurdles that must be climbed before the wedding is even possible. All of which requires money and other such hard-to-come-by things.

The money we will get straightened out, and I have faith in God that if this is His plan for my life, it will all work out in due time. In the meanwhile, I do feel led to spend my life with Fiance, to eventually change his name to Husband. But it's lonesome work, I tell ya.

I'm looking at dresses and rings, I'm thinking about the size of our church and it's fellowship hall, I'm trying to figure out how many people I can fit in there, and how many of them I can actually afford to plan dinner for. I'm thinking the depressing thought that Fiance's family all loves him enough to be there, even the one's that aren't that close will likely fly in to be present. The depressing part is that though most of my family lives within hours of us, most will not show up. I will plan alone, and be wed alone. And while I'm thrilled about getting married to Fiance, the alone-ness is a little depressing. I'd wanted to be one of those brides surrounded by loving friends and family ... not the Bridezilla kind who run all over them, but just one who has them you know? And yet, basically alone I have planned out a wedding party, listened to a million songs trying to figure out which are and which are not wedding/church appropriate, and started to really dig into the work of writing a beautiful ceremony that's unique to Fiance and I.

Not to discount of course, the help that Fiance himself has lent me. But it's just not the same as planning our wedding with a group of giggling friends all excited for my good fortune in finding him and loving him.

And all of this has been met with a ton of different responses in our families and friends. I'm not sure Fiance's mom and her family even know that the planning is on, and he has invited his brand-new sister (she's not really new, just new to us, long story) on his father's side, so surely they know. My family is all reminders of the legal hurdles, I've basically been told that I'm a romantic twit at least once, and none of my friends are close enough to where we live to be here 100% for me. I'm up to the task of planning alone ... but still. So much work done already for one day that no one seems excited about but me.

It's lonesome.