Thursday, September 18, 2008


Lately I've been suffering from a very weird sense of fear and anxiety. It's almost every night and it's only when I start to get ready for bed...

I go lock the door, I feed the fish, and I'm fine. I turn off the lights and the tv, and I'm all freaked. Often I sleep on my couch because of it. Whatever it is that frightens me, I think its source is in my bedroom.

I don't think it's the dark. I've never really been afraid of the dark ...

Maybe it's the quiet once the tv goes off. I don't know. Sometimes I can get to sleep if the air conditioner is on, because it's kind of loud. Maybe I'll buy a fan to put in my room so I'll have the noise without having to crank the thermostat down just to have the noise.

I don't know what causes it, but sometimes it'll start early in the evening, if I look out the window and it's getting a little dark outside. Now, the dark is a whole different story when it's outside. For me, when the dark is outside, I'm terrified. But even then it's not the dark that scares me. It's the bugs and weirdos and other night things in the dark that get to me.

It's not that I don't feel safe in my apartment, because I do. I've never had a prankster here, Ex-Husband doesn't know where I live (that I know of, though he may have something to do with this anxiety) and the people in my building tend to look out for each other.

But still. I'm still scared. I've spent so much time here at this desk in the middle of the night, just trying to hide from the fear ... I've caught up on the archives of two blogs that I was reading. It calms me to read, sit here and sink into someone else's life, someone else's day-to-day. I read until I feel like I'll fall asleep, but then I get up to head to the bathroom before bed, and it starts. By the time I come out of the bathroom, I'm wide awake again and I can barely look in my bedroom, let alone go inside it.

Last night when it hit me hard and I was almost in tears, I prayed for peace, recited bible verses in my mind, and sang to the Lord. It helped a lot, and I was able to calm down. I turned on the tv and sat on the couch, and then God sent me a way to get some rest. My cell phone rang, and it was Fiance. He and his co-workers had been let out early and he was on the way home. He talked to me until he got here, where he held me and that was all it took. I had my guy, and I had my God ...

And finally, I got some sleep. Now tonight? We'll see.