Tuesday, December 1, 2009


Sometimes in life, things go so beautifully. Sometimes you feel like you have everything you could ever want. Sometimes you think the whole world is in love with you. Sometimes you think life just couldn't be better. Sometimes when you smile it comes from the heart, and when that happens the smile reaches your eyes ... and then they sparkle and "smile" too.

But sometimes, it doesn't feel like that. Sometimes you just know something in your life is missing.

Sometimes you feel like all the people around you see you as more of a habit than a need.

Sometimes you look in the mirror and what you see is worthless and useless and ... broken.

Sometimes your eyes forget how to smile because it's been so long.

Today, that's me. I have had a lot of happy times in my life, and I've had a lot of down times too. This is a down time. Christmas morning is coming and I am not sure I will see joy on the faces of my daughters. My Teenybop is understanding and smart, she knows that Christmas isn't about the presents ... but I know the joy of seeing her excitement. And this year I am not sure she will be excited. There will be things under the tree for her (if I ever get motivated to put one up) ... but they will be little things in the face of my family facing the bleakest Christmas I can remember.

We have had bad years and good ones, but this year we are facing so much, it feels like we will always be on the bottom of this pit and will never be able to get out. Our car is shot, our money is nonexistent. Our relationship is suffering, our daughter is still all mixed up with ADHD and all of us trying to cope with the stress. I am suddenly on the outs with Fiance's family who all seem to think I am worthless and not good enough for him even though he readily admits his faults in our problems. There are faults in me also ... but how can these people so degrade me? For four years I have been in a relationship with this guy, and we have been through more together than either of us could imagine. But somehow all the trouble rests on me with Fiance's people, and I have been spoken to in pretty horrible fashion in the past month or so.

I can't remember ever enjoying Ex-husband's family ... but lately I almost miss them in the face of the hatred Fiance's people seem to harbor for me, and I can't ever remember feeling so like a failure. I have often bitten my tongue, I have often shouldered blame that was not mine, and I have many times been kind and polite when it was much more than hard for me to do so. And I have gotten nowhere. And the worst of it is that none of these people know anything real about me. They know that I grew up poor, they know that I have two children, and they know that I am with Fiance. And that's all. Not one of these people has ever bothered to get to know me as a person, to hear my heart or my thoughts. Not one of them has ever honestly tried to befriend me though I'm sure my efforts to befriend them and save Fiance from being the rope in a tug-of-war were obvious. And I got nowhere. Many times they have put to him the choice, that he could have them and their family ... or he could have me and our daughters. But it seems his family will not allow him to happily have both, and that is sad. More than being sad for me because it is hard to be so unwelcome, it is sad for Fiance who has tried so hard to be loyal to both sides and yet his family will not give even an inch. And he is exactly where I had hoped he would never be ... between me and the girls, and the family he grew up with. It seems they are slowly giving up the fight and choosing to believe that he isn't worth it anymore ... and while I am glad to be without the trouble of obvious rejection, I hate to see him walking around so defeated.

In this past year, Fiance has gained a beautiful daughter ... but he has lost everything. He lost his ability to provide for his family when he was laid off and job searches over the past months have turned up nothing. The Army is our only prospect right now and we are aware that it is a good one ... but he seems unmotivated to make the effort required to qualify for enlistment, and I believe he is mildly depressed. He also lost his family, a family he grew up with where he had always felt safe, like things would always be okay no matter what because there was always someone there for him when he needed something ... always someone there to save him if he got in a mess. It didn't teach him any responsibility for himself, but now that he is with me, his family is slowly abandoning him, generally assuming the worst in him always and refusing to see the good that is in him despite their many failures. He feels it though, and is hurt that whenever he talks to any of his family he gets torn down no matter what he says or what he has done.

Other than little Piglet arriving, it seems like this year everything is wrong. And I just don't know how to fix it anymore.