A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an insult.
Lately, I am having a hard time being prudent. When I get hit with emotion, any emotion, I tend to cry. Happy, I cry, sympathetic, I cry. Scared, I cry ... you get the picture. The only thing that helps me to not cry when I am emotional is to get angry. And even then I have to be very careful not to hurt anyone, and also not to get angry enough to ... cry.
Lately, I'm spending a lot of time cycling through my repertoire of emotions ... sad because Private Ryan is leaving and I will miss him. Happy that he is leaving to make a better life for our family. Excited about the changes to come, but scared of them too. Anger is a good way to push all those emotions to the side, and it seems like I am letting that become my crutch.
Honestly, I don't know if anger is the right word. I think it's more like annoyance, but it is a terrible emotion to lean on. I end up annoyed with everyone for stupid things, and I know that it's an unhealthy emotion to live by. I have been trying to watch myself lately, trying to take more deep breaths in an effort to be calm, and less deep breaths in preparation for yelling. It's been hard ... I feel like the more I'm trying, the more rocks life throws at me. Sometimes at the end of the day I feel so much pressure from not allowing myself to be angry or break down and cry that it's like I'm about to burst ...
I'm handling it. I'm praying about it. I'm reminding myself constantly that my emotions are mine to control, that they do not always happen without my consent, but because I subconsciously choose them. Some day I will have a better handle on my emotional side, some day I will be able to watch a sad movie and not cry like a baby or spill something and not be furious with myself. Some day taking deep breaths will work and I will stop thinking of how much I need a vacation all alone in a dark hotel room and a lot of silence.
But this day? This day was a hard one. It was one of those days where I wanted to cry at every turn ... thinking of him leaving, worrying about bills and our car, worrying about how my girls will handle their daddy not being here, and wondering how the day-to-day will work out around here. Grocery shopping was such a wreck with Teenybop flitting here to there with no control over her abundant energy, and Piglet crying because she didn't get a good nap and was tired.
She's still crying, because she went to bed peacefully and Teenybop ran up and down the hall until finally when she went to bed she fell off the bed so loud (huge fake sobs that were overboard even for someone with a broken appendage) that she woke up the baby. Special dinner for Private Ryan and I tonight? Seems to be cancelled ... and I am mad.
But he is sweet, he is in there trying valiantly to get our baby back to sleep so that I can finish the cooking in peace, and I am going to really REALLY enjoy my glass of wine. In the meantime, I'm getting lots of practice controlling my emotions.