It seems that there is a misconception in the world of women about motherhood, and how best to be a mother to a child. It is nearly a universal belief, even in those mothers who profess to know better, that a truly worthwhile mother/wife is but a servant who lives only to meet the needs of those she loves. You can see it even in the actions of those who tell you that you can't mother a child properly if you don't take care of you first ... because you will see if only you will look that they are falling apart, and that the life they lead is often nothing more than scenery for people to look at - something beautiful and realistic, and yet empty, false.
I am what I call a combo mother. In my head and in my heart I know that I can't serve my family if I am not taking care of myself. And yet, I'm one of those moms, the ones who spend much of their days with their families, with their children, and yet they are thinking, "What have I gotten myself into?" I have become Reba McEntire's "Is There Life Out There" model subject, looking out the window over the proverbial kitchen sink as I clean the dishes and the little one plays in the background alone, thinking to myself, "How did I get here? Isn't there supposed to be more? Something, anything ... more?"
Like this, only without the cancer scare. And I'm not meaning to imply that my life is sh*t, that it's down the drain, or that I've fallen into some dangerous emotional slump. I see daily how fortunate I am, it only takes a look around. But there are parts of my life that I don't blog, parts of my mind that I don't post, merely because of who might see them. Who might read them, who might misread them, or even more terrifying, who might read them correctly.
But why? This is meant to be a place where I can be free with my doubts, where I can care for and nurture the emotional me, so that my mind is free to think of the physical me, and then the physical me can serve my loved ones and beyond.
But what happens if you unplug a sparkwire in your car? It'll run a bit, for a bit. Right? But it's not right, it isn't working right, things aren't firing correctly.
So I've got to plug the wire back in, and get in shape here, in more ways than my weight which I've moaned and whined about for so long. First I need to see to me, see to my mind and my thoughts, see to turning them back over to God, letting Him speak to me, through me, and change me into His plan for me, my plans be damned if they don't fit. It's time to put the first one first. And let Him lead me the rest of the way.
So that's opening the hood, you know? Reading the Bible more diligently, looking for Him in it, listening for Him daily in my life and in my thoughts ... And then come here, get my head under the hood, and start to plug the wire in. Start to blog me ... strictly for myself. And if someone else is moved by that? Then so be it, but this is me, it has to be about me.
And once the wire is plugged in, once the engine is firing, I think I'll take a step back, you know? Take myself for the "diagnostic" ... see where I am, see where my faith is, where my mothering is, where my 'girlfriending' is ... where my life is. And where it's leading.