I am quite the blog-reader, it seems. While I am here, I am blogging my heart out, blogging about what I've read or done or thought lately. Somehow, though, it never seems to come out in the way I want it to. I often come here to "think aloud", and so much of that time I wonder if there is anyone who might stumble over what I've said and find it inspiring, find it motivating.
Much of what I have written here isn't, though, not to me. I read over it and say to myself, "How could you think that's anything other than jibberish from your own head?" But I guess in some ways that's exactly the point. I need to stop being afraid of what other people think of me, or of what they think of my loved ones because of what I say or think on any given day. I need to learn to roll up the window and stop hearing the noise from outside.
Then again, before I typed that last sentence, the metaphor that came to mind is "I need to learn to drive my own car." But I couldn't type that, couldn't say it, couldn't mean it. I don't want to drive my own car, I don't want to be behind the wheel of this life. Whether I feel them or not, whether I see or hear them or not, there will be people throughout my life that are touched by my life, by my words, my actions, my thoughts. And I don't feel that I should be driving when I touch someone ... I'd rather give a smile through the window than run them over as I'm driving. So something else I need to do is let God drive, and I'll smile at the passersby, maybe give directions through the window here and there.
But first, I need to start following some direction, need to start finding my way again, need to start talking to the driver so that when He turns over the wheel for a bit, I won't get us lost and make Him have to find us a way out.