Today was bad. Yesterday was bad too. As a matter of fact, all my days have been bad for a bit now. And I've noticed something about myself.
I'm an emotional eater.
I never was before. If anything, I was an emotional READER. I'd grab a book, and hole up somewhere that was quiet and lonesome. Someplace out of way where I knew that no one who could get to me would come up right at the good part, you know? And then? It was a combo-emotional thing. Reading and gaming. Computer games, I love them. The tycoon games have me hooked, I like the hidden object type games too, and I've totally fallen in love with the little sim games. Totally.
So I'd hole up in a corner and read, or if a quiet corner was unavailable, I'd hit the computer and hide in a game.
And I've begun to notice something else that I've started to hide in. Food. I've started to eat my emotions. Today was so bad, and I'm feeling so lost and so ... screwed. Sad, and dare I say *hopeless* ...
And all I could think of was the DiGiorno Pizzas in my freezer. I wanted to make one ... and eat it. All of it. And I told myself, "You can't have that, you only want it because you're sad." So that helped me, and then the pizza was still attractive, but not so much so. And then Fatblogger's infamous cheese sandwich was screaming out at me (Hey Jess, I found out I do like shrimp scampi after all, LOL!! Tried it the other day ... not too shabby ...), and I told myself, "You can't have that, you only want it because you're sad." So that helped, too. And I couldn't help remembering this post from Fatblogger especially. But by then I guess I'd almost convinced myself that I really was hungry, and I knew I was going to eat something at some point, so then it was a matter of "what to eat?"
Tuna/Egg Salad? No.
The Pizza? No.
Cheese Sandwich? No.
Popcorn? Hmmmm, the best choice so far, but not really what I want.
And then I opened the freezer. Today we went to Sam's Club, and we bought a package of these chicken tenders that are breaded and made a little spicy, like "buffalo" chicken. Well, they're huge tenders, so I took out about enough to make a decent breast of meat, it was like three tenders ... and I baked them, then blotted out what grease I could with a paper towel (I hate slimy greasy food).
AND I DIDN'T EAT IT ALL!!!!
Yay, go me! I had a tender, I had a bit of another tender. Then I ate the rest of the second tender even though it was spicy as heck by then.
And then? I threw the rest in the garbage disposal!! I didn't eat it. I said, "Well, I'm done. Feel better, and not because I ate, but because I acknowledged how I felt. Good job." And it was a totally guilt free experience. Awesome.
BTW, thanks for the phone call Jess! I love you too sis, and you cheered me up big time. Nice to know you care enough to call even though you know I might ignore the ringer. It was good to talk to you. And it's why you're the sister I always had even though we took so long to meet and came from different families. I hope I'm there as much for you as you've always been for me. Love you girl!