Thursday, August 9, 2007

Moment of Truth

Okay, there have been a few people here that have been somewhat regular readers, and I don't know if any of them have wondered what happened to me or where I've been since I plainly haven't been posting here, but lately I just haven't felt up to it.

My life is in shambles.

  • My weight loss is stalled, even with my taking Phenteramine which technically is speed. This means that: 1, I will most likely lose the race with Jessica. Yay. And 2, that I am still a big fat slob and likely to stay that way no matter how much I bust my ass or how many vegetables I eat. And why am I doing it at all, then? I eat veggies because I like them, I prefer them. I drink water plain because I prefer it. And I work out? Because sometimes I prefer that too. But lately, I just feel like "What's the point?" Why not sit on my butt and read all day while I chow on ice cream and cheeseburgers and whatever else is bad for you these days? It's not like I'm getting anywhere anyway.
  • My relationship is literally falling apart with me helpless to stop it. I've done all but tolerate the state of things lately, and that I simply can't do. We had another fight today and now I have no idea what is going to happen. Now don't get me wrong, okay. He isn't violent, he isn't on drugs, and he has never technically cheated on me (just some minor issues with porn ... I think we're done with that now, though). He works third shift to bring home the bacon in a house where I am able to be a stay home mom to a child he is raising that isn't biologically his. I know that a lot of women would kill to be where I am. But that doesn't help me any because his measly check every two weeks isn't everything. Since he works thirds, there's no one to snuggle with at night because he's at work, and there's no one to talk to during the day because he's in bed. I spend my days utterly alone save for Teenybop, and that isn't exactly helpful lately. And it's not like I'm trapped at home. The car is here after all ... but what good would it do me in a one income home with gas over $2.50 a gallon here? Not to mention the fact that our communication lines are down. Down hell ... they've been "down" for so long now that I think they might be molded over and completely irreparable. Everything is sucking. And I told him yesterday while we were talking that I felt like I didn't matter, and that he didn't care about me, and that he didn't want to be with me anymore. And he said .... *dum-da-dum* ... nothing. NOTHING! Today he told me that he just didn't know what to say. So he said nothing?????? To me that sounds the same as if he'd said, "Yeah. So?" And I just don't know what to do anymore. I have a "leaving plan", so it's not like I'm unable to leave or anything like that ... but what about Teenybop? I've actually asked her before how she would feel if we moved out and left "Daddy" here. Her answer squashed any idea for me of leaving as long as he and I can still tolerate each other even a little. And we're not quite that low ... I do still love him, too. I'm just not sure how long it's going to last like this. How many times do you squash a bug before you finally hear the crunch, you know?
  • My daughter is a wreck, she's smarting off all the time, we can't get her to pick up after herself, she is disobedient, defiant, and sometimes downright horrible. I know that this is a part of being mom to a three year old, but just on top of everything else, I am at the end of my rope and I've lost just about all creative mentality for figuring out what to do with her.
  • And my emotional state is so low right now that I haven't posted here, I haven't talked much to my friends, and I've all but severed ties with some of the groups that I had been involved in recently. I haven't been reading blogs that much, haven't answered emails. When the tv is on and I'm looking at it, I can't tell you what show is on, much less what's happening, I don't feel like reading, I'm sick of the stupid love crap on the radio, I ignore the phone when it rings. I am merely going through the motions in all things lately except for Teenybop and Boyfriend. And yet when I literally sat down and screamed out how unhappy I am right now with our life, he had the nerve to say, "Well, I thought we'd been doing better."

Why is it wrong to pick up a cinderblock and throw it at a person? If he's a blockhead anyway would it even phase him?