My life lately is really packed and totally stressful. My weight has been up and down like a kid playing popcorn on a trampoline, Teeny's heart procedure is Wednesday, and my family will be up on Monday.
And really? I'm not sure if that makes it better, or worse. Because I know they are coming because they care, but I've got to get my house in order. I've got to get my kitchen stocked. I've got to prepare bedding and towels for two extra people. And all the while, I'm trying to prepare myself to send my daughter into an operating room with the possibility of not getting her back.
And my non-christian people say, "Wow, that sucks. But you have to be positive. She's young and strong - She'll be fine."
It doesn't help. People younger and stronger than my little four year old die all the time ... over nothing. SIDS? Sudden Infant Death Syndrome = Your Kid Died Unexpectedly For NO REASON. Young and strong doesn't always equal life, does it?
My faithful friends can't help either though, because they say, "Well, you just have to have faith. You just have to pray." And while that's comforting because it means they care and that they are praying with me, it doesn't help me because I have prayed.
I have prayed the prayer of a truly faithful Christian woman who is facing the possibility of losing a child she is in love with. "Father, I love her, and I want to have her in my life. I want to help her dress for her first date, see her marry her great love, watch her mother her own children ... But not my will ... thine be done."
But that doesn't mean that I'm going to get my way. Christ didn't promise that she'd be fine, or that His followers would always get what they want. "Christian" and "spoiled" are not the same word.
I believe wholly in my God. I believe wholly in my salvation and in that of my daughter. I know that if I don't get to keep her, she's safe ... But still. I don't know God's plan for her ... What if her part is somehow ... over? I can pray to keep her all day long - And I do - But it doesn't mean that when I ask God to leaver her here, He'll just go, "Yep. Okay."
He might. And I hope He does. I'm sure this will go off without a hitch. And that's my prayer. I believe in a just God who is loving and faithful to His people. When He asked Abraham to take his only son and sacrifice him, Abraham prepared for the trip. He packed provisions, firewood, all that. He took his son and left ... to kill him as God had commanded.
In his heart, he gave back to God the son he had longed for for so long.
But as he anguished over the upcoming loss of his child, he trusted in God to find a way. He trusted his God, my God, to allow him to keep the son he had loved. More than that, he loved God enough to obey through the pain of what he thought would be a huge loss. And as he tied up his only child and took up the knife to strike him, Abraham saw a ram in the bushes.
And God allowed him to sacrifice the ram instead of the child. Because of his love for God, and his because of his obedience in all things, Abraham was rewarded.
I pray that on Wednesday evening, I will be as blessed as Abraham ... to hold my child and rejoice in her life as Abraham did with his son Isaac.