Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Depressed. Really Depressed.

Life is good. My faith has been growing in the past few years in leaps and bounds, which is wonderful. I'm loving not just my faith in Christ, but a newfound level of faith and trust in Him. My finances have gone through some terrifying changes in the past months, and the price of everything is up, but somehow my family is still afloat.

Example: The price of gasoline is INSANE! Going up, up, and more up all the time. By budget, however, is not. I can only afford the same $60 in gas a week that I could afford in the beginning of the year. This is unfortunate because my driving habits have not changed. I still go to the grocery store, Fiance still goes to work, I still have to daily go to my garden and water it. We still drive 45 minutes away from home each Sunday to go to our AWESOME church. But somehow, with the same $60 buying WAY less gas ... we still make it.

And that, my friends, is GOD talkin' in my life.

So my faith is great, stronger then ever. And on top of that, my daughter is behaving herself for the time being. My relationship is pretty strong, and Fiance and I are getting along. I've got great friends, and Fiance's family is the best "adoptive" family I could ask for.

Why, then am I so depressed?

HAVE YOU SEEN MY WEIGHT?!? The lowest I have gotten in super-effort to lose weight has been 188.5, and I only reached that once, just one little measly meaningless time. That was months ago, and I had to be on Phentermine to get that low. Then Fiance lose his job, and I couldn't justify spending $30 a month on the pills that helped me finally lose almost 40 pounds (when all my efforts did nothing to help me).
So the numbers are crawling back up. I have not been eating more, I have still been eating healthy, and I am still active with friends and family. I take my daughter to the park sometimes, and sometimes while there I play with her, running around and playing chase. We do that at home too. Not to mention the Pilates that I keep forgetting to track. Nothing is working. I have a very low blood protein level no matter how much meat I eat, so I've been supplementing that with protein shakes ... and that could conceivably make me gain weight. Here's the problem with that. If I were gaining muscle weight from the protein ... my fat percentage should be going down ... but it isn't. Hence the depression.

Honestly? I wouldn't mind it if I weighed this weight in muscle. I'd be one super-buff chick ... but still. But that's beside the point. My weight isn't muscle. So for me, it's inexcusable because I find fat on my body to be completely disgusting. (And let the record show that I do not feel the same about fat on other people for some reason.) But no matter what I do, it's not going down. At all.