Wednesday, December 31, 2008

The Truth, The Whole Truth, And Nothing But The Truth

Okay, where have I been this month? Living a life that has become harder and harder lately.

In the beginning of this year, Fiance lost his job and wasn't able to find another one for a month. That combined with the economic crisis set us up to be behind on our bills all year long, and we're only just now finally getting really truly caught up. It would have happened sooner, but then gas prices skyrocketed, and when they went back down, Fiance's hours went down too, so our finances really stayed the same. January should see us finally in the black again which will be good, but after the way this year has gone and the way 2009 appears to be starting, I'm afraid to be too optimistic right now.

This year Teenybop got her heart defect repaired, and that day was the scariest day of my life. There was a chance that I'd send her away with a doctor and get her back on the way to the morgue. I could have lost her, she could have died that day, or in any of the days soon after the surgery. I've never been more scared of anything, ever. But she came through and there were even some funny moments in that day, surprisingly. Now she seems to be fine, and she will have her 6-month check up next month to be sure that the implant in her heart is still in the proper place and position, and also to make sure that she is developing tissue of her own to cover the implant itself. She was also diagnosed with astigmatism, so she's got her first little tiny pair of eyeglasses, and they are CUTE! I love her little face in those glasses, she looks so grown up and smart. They sure make it harder to get good pictures of her though ...

Early in the year, Fiance and I came right to the brink of breaking up. We talked about how we'd split our household, who would keep the car we own together, and whether or not he'd still want to be involved with Teenybop's life as her dad. Now? We're still not perfect, but overall we're doing really well now in spite of the stress we can't seem to get away from.

And this Christmas season? I found out I was pregnant in September, so I've spent the entire holiday time feeling either sick, tired, or both. My spirit suffered big time this year, and we didn't even get our Christmas tree up until the 22nd of this month, just in time for Santa. Honestly, I didn't care if it went up or not, and even now I'm already tired of looking at it. I managed to fake it pretty well for Teenybop, but I only rarely felt any genuine cheer. I've had more than just the pregnancy illness to kill my spirit this year though ...

We are still broke, every penny goes to trying to get caught up on everything. It's getting better, and we were able to provide a great Christmas for Teenybop and she got all the things I really wanted her to have. But I just wasn't into it this year. I'm dreading next month big time, and it took a toll on me this month.


Well, next month is the heart check-up for Teenybop so that's stressful, hoping that everything is okay with her.

Next month is also Fiance's family reunion ... that I specifically wasn't invited to. His father offered to pay to get him down there, but made it clear that he was inviting his son alone. He didn't specifically tell Fiance not to bring me and Teenybop ... but he made his intentions clear in other ways. I told Fiance to go ahead and go, to see his family and that Teenybop and I would be here when he got back, but I wasn't able to hide the hurt at the idea that he'd go to a "Family" reunion without us, his family. Finally Fiance's father gave in when Fiance went off on his father one day over the phone and told him that if his woman and child weren't welcome he wouldn't be coming. He said that it wasn't fair for his father to make him feel like he had to chose between his two families, that it should be just one family, and that since he is happy with me I should naturally be included and accepted into that. So Fiance's father gave in and offered to pay for a rental car so that we can drive down to this reunion, and he's paying for gas and everything, plus my father has offered to help out some so the trip should be well paid for. But the whole thing left Fiance really hurt and upset, so he's refused to stay at his father's house. We'll be sleeping at his grandparents' house, so I'm sure the whole thing will just be awkward.

But that's not the point really. I'm invited because they want him there, and Teenybop is invited because she's a child and there's no way in hell I'm going off without her for the weekend. But you know how it feels when you're sitting in a room full of people and you still feel totally alone, because you can feel that they don't want you there? I'm betting that will be a perfect description of our weekend in Florida. I'm really not looking forward to it except that I get to see my own father while we're there, and I've even dreamt twice that Fiance's grandfather took me aside to offer me money to leave Fiance, because they don't think I'm good enough for him since I have a child who isn't really his, and because my family doesn't have money like they do. And it doesn't help that I've come up pregnant this year, because now Fiance's father thinks he's "trapped" with me because of the baby.

And that brings me to another reason I'm dreading next month. I can't imagine what they'll think when they find out that we got a call from the ob today telling us that our blood screen for Down Syndrome came back positive and I might be growing a very sick little baby in this uterus of mine. I'm sure they'll just love me then. And to top it all off, next month will be filled with more tests, starting with an ultrasound screening to see just how bad our odds are with this baby, and possibly ending with actual diagnostic tests such as an amnio which I'm totally scared of.

And then there's normal pregnant life stuff like the thought that "oh-my-god-I'm-pregnant-I'm-having-a-baby-how-do-I-do-two-of-them-at-the-same-time" teaming up with other hormone stuff, normal everyday life, trying to protect my relationship with Fiance in spite of his seeming inability to be emotionally supportive or in any way helpful around the house ... and I'm a wreck.

So that's where I've been.