Friday, February 20, 2009

Taking A Stand

Lately I've caught myself avoiding this place, this blog. I've stayed away because I've allowed other people to make me feel like I'm not okay here, like I can't just say whatever I need to say. I've allowed the knowledge that certain people know about this blog to censor the things I've needed to get off my chest. I've allowed myself to think first about what other people will think, what they will say, how they will react to my blog posts. I've skipped posts I needed to write, I've written posts and not saved them just to get my head cleared so I don't break down and fall apart. I've been careful what I say here, and how I say it ... and whether I choose to say anything at all.

And I'll take the blame for that. It's my own fault, because I've told people about this blog. My best friend Jessica knows ... but her knowledge of this blog doesn't hurt anything because she's been like a rock to me through the hard times. She reminds me to be positive, to be faithful and remember to pray. She's been intensely supportive and she's always been right here even though we're so many miles apart, to hear me out and give me a virtual shoulder to cry on. She knows most of the things I haven't blogged about, because I can tell her. I've told my cousin, another friend, and some of my family. But I've told other people too, people I think I mistakenly felt comfortable with, some of which have ended up angry about things I've posted, people who have attacked me for what I've said and felt instead of trying to be supportive to me and my family.

But that's over now. I'm done feeling unwelcome in a space that I created for myself. I don't usually make New Year's Resolutions ... and I know it's late to be making one ... but my resolution this year is to stop babying other people. To stop censoring myself to cater to other people's feelings about my family and the things that we've been through. To stop avoiding my place, my blog, in order to protect myself from other people's opinions. Not to stop caring ... Just to stop letting other people have such control over my freedom to speak my mind here. To take back my blog right now when life is hard and I need this outlet the most, to post freely again about things that are going on with my family regardless of what someone else might think.

I also want to remind people who read here, whether they "know" me or not, to re-read my first disclaimer and remember that this is MY place. And that if my life is hard for you to read about, if my opinions are hard for you to take or you don't like what I have to say, that's your problem. You can stop reading if you don't know me and you don't like what I have to say. And if you do know me? Then you can stop reading and not know what I've said. Or you can choose to cut me out of your life, ignore me and not care about what I've said or felt in the past months despite what you may have said to me. Because I've got the support system that I need, I've got my family and my kids, I've got my friends, and I'm taking back MY outlet. So if you don't like this place, if you don't like the opinions here, if you are hurt or offended by something I've said, I'd like to remind you that you've got choices.

You could keep reading without letting me know, continuing to be offended and fill your head with negative thoughts about me and the way I deal with things. You could keep reading and finally have the guts to really tell me what your problem is instead of randomly attacking me, then use your knowledge of this place the way it was intended, as a gesture of friendship and a way to stay updated. You could be courageous enough to comment here and give me a chance to defend myself. Or ... you could simply stop reading, stop digging into my life, and simply ignore me, since the way I choose to live my life is probably none of your business anyway.