Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Spiritual Warfare -- Part One


Lately my life has been going crazy, and one of the largest aspects of that is the financial status of my family. Fiance finally managed to stay in one job for a year, finally managed to qualify for benefits and paid vacation time ... maybe a raise. But instead, he's one of many who are about to get laid off from where he works.

His workplace has two factories locally, and the smaller of the two is going to be shut down next month. It is not only smaller but it's also older, and it's employees are used to a much lower demand on production. But because they've been with the company for so long, those people are being moved to the larger facility to take the places of Fiance and his co-workers. Even though they have no experience with the new machines and many of them cannot keep up with the production quotas (they make eyeglass lenses). So he is losing his job.

This means that our only income will be gone because even though we've known about this layoff for quite some time, Fiance has been applying but not been interviewed for anything. There doesn't seem to be another job coming up anytime soon. It means that his health insurance will be gone, that I'm on my own at home with both girls after the c-section birth of our daughter because if by chance he can find a new job, we will not be able to afford him taking time off work. It means that if there is no new job soon our bills will go unpaid, we might lose this apartment that we've grown to love, it means that we will be packing up again to move ...

It means that we might not make it as a family. The effects of this layoff in our home are far and wide at this point, and surviving much more of the financial stress alone may finally end up killing off what relationship we have left. And that's before I get around to typing the rest of the Spiritual Warfare update posts.

I don't know what to do, I can't go to work even after the baby is born because I haven't had a job in over five years so even finding a job will be a challenge for me. I also would not be able to make enough money to support this family, especially because I had to quit school and start working early, so I don't even have a diploma or GED. Two jobs might not be enough. I feel trapped and helpless, useless and unable to do anything at this point to support my children.

And I hate it.

But there is a plan. Satan may have my family in his hold for now, but the victory is won in Christ, and I am not afraid. I feel certain that my God is faithful as always, and that there will be something coming up soon. There is even tentative talk at Fiance's work about the layoff being cancelled. They have already tried to start transferring people from the smaller factory to train them on the newer machinery ... but they can't keep up with the pace, and often they quit on the first day. So maybe there will be enough people who quit ... maybe the factory will need more workers than they thought ... and maybe Fiance will get to keep his job. That will be great for now, but in the end, I want to have more security for my daughters.

I want to know that they will be provided for, that their parents are doing all that it takes to give them a stable life where they don't have to grow up as afraid of finances as I did. I can't get through to Fiance how important this is to me, because he grew up in a different kind of home, one where he felt like things would be fine. His mother owned their house, she worked hard as a single mom to provide for her son, and more than that, she had her family on her side to help her. So he may not have had the happiest childhood (and who did), but he knew he was safe. The bills were paid, the phone worked, the electricity worked, the car worked ... And he learned to feel secure no matter what.

Not me. I moved every few months with my mother, so it was always a different place to live, sometimes even a different school to get used to. Different neighborhoods. Different eviction notices. And I learned fear of the unknown, fear of bills, fear of money, fear of living the rest of my life in poverty, and a disdain for the idea of raising my kids the same way.

I don't want that for my kids. And there is a way that I know for sure I can provide for them. I don't want to have to do it, because I love being a stay-home mom with all my heart (most days), because I love knowing that if I need to see them at night I have only to go to their rooms and look (once the second one comes, of course). But I have to provide for my family, no matter what that takes. And the best guaranteed way to do that is the military. There's often a sign-on bonus, there's guaranteed pay, life insurance, there are so many benefits. But there are risks ... injury, transfer ... deployment. Death. Especially in today's world.

I don't want to have to go that far, but I desperately need to know that my children are safe. So besides praying like a mad woman that things will work out fine and I don't have to go that far, I'm going to be talking to a military recruitment office in the next few weeks. Depending on what they say, I will be planning to have the baby and get started as soon as possible on a very serious workout regimen to get myself in shape ... and then I will enlist in whatever branch of the military offers the most benefit to my kids.

In the meantime, I'm asking anyone who reads this to pray for my family, that all things will work out in God's will, and according to His plan for my family. You can pray that His plan also keeps my family together here without a need to join the service ... but in the end what I want is His will in my life and that of my children. And if that works out so that I can stay with their dad and we can find some sort of assurance in our finances right here where we are, then hey, that's all the better.