Friday, January 8, 2010

Resting, Learning ...

These past few days have been peaceful. We got a weird start to this new year, with me wanting to do nothing more than cry on the last night of 2009. I went to bed early, miserable. I was pretty pensive at the time, thinking of other times my family has celebrated the beginning of a new year. And the only thought in my sad little head was, "so much has changed". And it's true. I could put a picture of my life right next to one of my life from a few years ago and they would be so different. Everything had changed and nothing is anything like it was "before". My relationship with Boyfriend is nothing like it was before. And that's a sad thing for me because the changes haven't been good ones. They have surely been normal ones, changes in our communication, changes in our income, living situation, things like that. Ups and downs in our attraction to each other. But I miss "before". I miss "whatever happens you can always talk to me".

But I'm reading a lot and learning a lot. I'm going through another season of learning, and a season of change. And that's not really a bad thing. Lately I haven't had a lot of reading time, and "Do You Think I'm Beautiful" seems to have fallen to the back burner. I had even planned to read my way through "Simple Compassion" by Keri Wyatt Kent. But I haven't even had the chance to open it! And that's okay. I have allowed my reading to go where God leads it, picking up and putting down books at random sometimes, only holding onto the ones He touches me with. These days? I'm reading through The Love Dare, and it's an interesting thing, reading a book literally one day at a time, with practical homework on each day. It is also a challenging book, but one that inspires a turning in of the thoughts. It isn't so much a book about how to "fix" things, how to "fix" people. When Boyfriend suggested we get it so that he could do it, I was really excited ... I wanted so badly even back then for things to change for the better between us, but he never opened the book and things didn't change.

These days things are no better than they were back then and that was a year ago ... By no choice of mine, our communication has all but shut down and I relate so truly to the Reba McEntire song "Consider Me Gone" right from the first lyrics. But I don't know how to reach him anymore, he is behind a wall that is far taller than I am and far stronger than I am as well. I am counting on God to bring us through this one because I feel like there's no way we're getting through it on our own this time. Too much has happened, too much has changed, and too many people are all too happy to stand between us, in the way. But I have to know I tried, I have to know I did my best. So I'm not stressing anymore about the little things ... and I'm struggling not to stress too much about the big things.

These days, I'm giving it to God, reading, resting, and learning.