This year is drawing to a close, and I can say honestly that it has been one of the hardest years I have ever had to make it through. In this one year, I have come close to death, I have given birth to new life, I have seen relationship troubles throughout my entire family unit, I have seen Fiance's family deal with the death of his grandfather,I have seen them also suffer under the grip of cancer as it tightens it's grip on Fiance's grandmother, I have seen my little baby daughter off to kindergarten, our family is dealing with the newness of an ADHD diagnosis and all it's struggles ... among other things. I can't imagine how I would ever have done it without GOD by my side, teaching and leading me all the way.
Having Piglet is such a pleasure, and at six months she is a wonderful little person already, with her own little personality, her little quirks and little funny things. But she is a very clingy, cuddly baby, so I don't have a lot of free time these days. I have been reading blogs lately when I don't have time for books, thanks to my phone's blog feed reader, so I've been reading about how other families wrap up the current year and ring in the new year. One thing I have noticed among the blogs I read is the absence of a New Year Resolution. And not really the absence of the Resolution, but the substitution of a simple word, a central theme to remind us of our goal for the year. And I like that.
So I've been thinking of a Word for myself and my girls for this coming year, I've been praying for something appropriate. And then when I had a rare moment when there was enough time for me to read a real book, I was reading "Do You Think I'm Beautiful". And I believe that this is what God wants for the females in the family this year. I have spent a large part of my life living with self-doubt, and Teenybop is walking too close to the low-self-esteem-line for me ... So that will be a focus in our house this year. To be beautiful.
But beautiful seems a little shallow when you first look at it. To be beautiful isn't such a lofty goal perhaps ... but for me, "Beautiful" means a lot of different things. I am going to strive to be physically beautiful. I am going to continue in my efforts to lose some of this extra weight (I sit at 230 again ... square one again after having Piglet), but I'm not going wild yet. I can't because I'm breastfeeding still ... but I also don't really want to. I don't want my focus all the time to be on what I look like, or what size I wear. But I want to be healthy, which to me, is beautiful. Healthy people have a gleam to them no matter what size they are, they have shiny hair and sparkly eyes, they have shining teeth and sparkly personalities. And I want that. I want the confidence that comes from having that outer beauty. I want my daughters to have it as well, to know that they are beautiful, that they are healthy and strong.
Then again, that's not all. "Beautiful", for me, is a loaded concept. Not only does it mean health and physical attractiveness, but to me it also means so much more. It means peace, having a life that I love waking up in, enjoying a beautiful existence. Having a beautiful home as much as I can make it one. Having a beautiful relationship with Teenybop again after all our struggles with ADHD/ODD. Having a beautiful relationship with Piglet, and being able to teach her a little independence in the process. Having a beautiful future again, one that I am happy to look forward to, one that holds promise and excitement, one that is as secure as I can make it.
More than all that, though, I want to find my beauty in God. I want to learn to see me as He sees me, learn to treat myself the way He would want me to be treated. And above even that, I want a beautiful relationship with my God, with He who was willing to die for all the things that I would do wrong 2000 years after His death. The one who was willing ... for me. Because He loves me enough to fight for me, because He thinks that I am worth any cost, and because He has always found me Beautiful.