Wednesday, April 21, 2010


I am thrilled. Thrilled right to the tips of my toes which have always had just a little curvature to them ... I call them "curly toes". My youngest daughter appears to have them too. I hope she doesn't have the pain that comes with them, or the lack of balance.

But that's beside the point. Why are my curly toes thrilled, you ask? I'll tell you why.

My curly toes are thrilled ... THRILLED! Because we found out today that some bills we were worried about are going to be taken care of through a loan that we were given, and we know that Private Ryan's paycheck will be able to handle the payments on the small loan. I have never doubted God, or his ability to provide for my family just what we need and right when we need it ... But still He proves himself over and over again. I sit tonight amazed at what I have seen Him do in the lives of my family members in the past year, the way He has taken care of all our various needs. I am proud to love and serve an on-time God who never forgets me and is always there.

Another reason for my curly toes (and other parts) to get all giddy today is that we found out Private Ryan is ready to ship out from the Reception Battalion and into the next phase of his training soon. We had previously been told that he was surely going so we were looking forward to it, and then crushed when he wasn't on the "ship" list. Today he was bumped up and will be shipping out for the next phase within days!! This means that instead of adding six more weeks to our time apart, we are back to the original countdown, and I am ecstatic!

I would do a happy dance, but it's been a little over six years since I've been the clubbing type of girl, I've grown up a lot since then, and I'm not sure I remember how to dance in a way that feels happy and not spastic. But I am happy.

Private Ryan and I have had a lot of problems in our relationship, but I'm content right now knowing that things are getting better. We are slowly forgetting little faults and I don't know about him but I am even beginning to miss some of his. I miss him snoring because now it's too quiet to sleep. I miss him stealing the covers because now I'm too hot. I miss him sitting next to me because now I'm always cold when I'm hanging out on the couch. I just miss him, and that's a good thing.

We are also seeing improvement in our communication because we can't just snuggle up on the couch together anymore and there isn't any sense sitting silently on the phone, but neither of us wants to hang up. So we talk. He listens more, has even been reading here a little, and he has more to say which is nice. As rough as it is there, he sounds happy and I know that it's because he is active and working to provide a better life for his family, because he trusts that we will be here waiting when he comes back, and probably simply because endorphins create natural happiness.

I like the new changes in him so far, and while there is always going to be a part in the back of my mind because of our past that is hoping those changes aren't due to guilt on his part for something he shouldn't be doing ... I am trying to get past the issue at least for now, and this is an exercise in trust for me even while it is an exercise in trustworthiness for him. I like the changes in me too ... With him gone, I've had time to miss him, time to think about the image I want to present when he comes back, the woman I'd like to be when he comes back. Perhaps more patient, more supportive, less likely to get angry or complain.

Maybe even skinnier, but hey, I'm no miracle worker.