Sunday, September 19, 2010

I Wonder

Sometimes I wonder what I'm really doing with my life. I think about my childhood and the big dreams that I had. I remember that little girl so vividly, with reddish-brown hair and blue eyes.

That girl was a dreamer.

She wanted to be a lawyer. She wanted to shout "Objection!" in the courtroom, argue eloquently and intelligently, and then go out and celebrate the big win. She wanted to figure it out the way Matlock always did. And she wanted to take a glass of wine into a candlelit bubble bath the way the girls on Matlock did.  Later, that girl wanted to be a singer. She wanted to sing in front of crowds who loved her songs. She wanted to sign autographs for people who followed her tours to see her perform. She wanted people to be interested in her talents and in what she had to say.  But really, I wonder if it was really the career that I wanted. Was the dream attached to the gavel, the jury and the judge? Or was it more about the respect that comes from winning the argument? I know that there was an attraction to justice and perhaps a desire to feel powerful after having a violent and somewhat abusive childhood.

I know that when the little girl I used to be dreamed of being a star, it had nothing to do with being stalked or chased around by paparrazzi. I had no desire to receive death threats after a song made a former fan lose their sanity. But I did want to be known. I did want to be heard. I wanted people to love me enough to actually seek me out.

I am not a little girl anymore. I don't have the same big lofty dreams.

Or do I?  I still have a fundamental human need to be loved and respected. I still have a desire for someone in my life who will care enough about me to seek me out. I still have dreams.

My daughters. They look to me for guidance and advice. They seek me out first thing each morning for cuddles and love. They desire my company and they occasionally obey my commands. I usually have respect and obedience. I dreamed a lot of big things as a little girl, and all it takes is two little blue eyed girls to remind that it's the little things in life that mean the most.

Maybe in being a frazzled and frustrated mother of two, I have also become the powerful and well-loved star that I have always wanted to be. Maybe I have achieved the dream after all, just maybe not the way I expected.