Monday, August 24, 2009


Today I feel like a failure. I feel like I have failed in some of the most important relationships in my life.

My relationship with my father has not been improved by his moving here. We used to talk for hours on the phone, hours of real conversation about things we'd been up to or things we planned to accomplish. But now that he's here? He doesn't really talk much. He mostly seems annoyed, frustrated because jobs are hard to come by and the economy isn't making this move easy on him. I wish it wasn't so hard; I miss having him to talk to. Not that it matters; where he would advise me before, now he seems amused with an attitude of "you-brought-this-on-yourself". But honestly, could every problem in my life be my own fault? Every single one? I don't know. What I do know is that someone else's amusement about the problems I am dealing with is NOT what I need.

My relationship with Fiance isn't much better these days either. He seems down lately, quiet, maybe even a little withdrawn. I think he is probably just worried about money and army stuff, but I don't know. He doesn't share with me. Not his worries, his thoughts, feelings, church thoughts, prayers, not anything. I feel like my relationship isn't even a love relationship anymore. I feel like it is a roommate-roommate relationship. And not even a friendly one, just a quiet one. If we continue like this, when we are fifty the only words spoken over dinner will be "please pass the salt". And since I don't salt or pepper my food, even that would only be uttered if by chance I forgot to put the shakers by his plate. That is a hard future for me to look forward to, though. I have a deep-seated need for conversation. But I have tried everything I know of and most advice I could find to "fix" things to no avail. I pray daily that things will improve, and Rascal Flatts' "Yes I Do" has become the theme song for how I see this relationship. I miss the way we were in the beginning when he didn't just love me but was "in love" with me.

And Teenybop ... My little Teenybop. She is so angry these days, and we aren't sure if it is her reacting to all the changes in her life, or if it is a side effect of the Focalin ... or maybe it is both. Who knows? But my failure with her is the worst. She doesn't seem to care what I think or feel anymore. Nothing I can say is right for her, if she is sad I can't make her feel better, if she is bored I am not enough to entertain her. If she is angry my counsel amounts to nothing. And I can't seem to give enough, can't give in the right ways, just can't get it right. Today she asked me how to draw a "little a", so I borrowed her notebook and pen to show her. Thinking that she might want other letters, I made a capital and lower-case of all the letters of the alphabet, then she would have them all and be able to do whatever it was she was trying to do. And she lectured me that I had not done what she asked, though I had done what she asked of me, and more. If I cook, it is the wrong food, if it is something that is on her favorites list, she will be "not so hungry right now". If I clean up toys on my way through the house, I am putting them in the wrong place, but if I ask her to put them away she is "playing with them". Even if they have been laying in the floor untouched for hours. It is like that all the time now, and I feel like I'm failing.

Today I broke down a little with my grandma, and she was sympathetic, told me to call whenever I needed to talk. This was weird because we have never been close, but it was just nice to unload for a change. She reassured me that I am a fine mom, that I have "done a great job" with Teenybop ... but still. If my Teenybop thinks I am lacking as a mother, then ... am I?