Saturday, August 22, 2009


"Do you ever feel like an octopus is attacking you, it's arms grabbing and pulling? Everyone seems to want more and more. They want you to do things better and bigger and quicker, all the while with a smile on your face. Everywhere you turn there's another expectation..."

That's how I feel today. Like everything in my life is purely on my shoulders, that everyone around me is just doing nothing, waiting to follow my lead. Forcing me to always take the lead. I am the spiritual leader of my home, the one who guides everyone else, the one expected to stand strong under any burden.

And I am furious these days, all the time. I'm angry about feeling like all the burdens are mine, I am angry that Fiance is just calm and quiet all the time and he leaves me feeling like I am alone with no companion at all. I'm angry at Fiance for knowing that I feel that way and doing nothing to help. I am angry that I never have a moment to myself, I never have time to do even the most basic things until late at night when I'm too exhausted to do anything. I am angry that I looked forward to my father moving up so that I would have a friend and confidant there, someone to talk to, because now that he's here he seems to think that all my problems are hilarious. When I am frustrated, I hear him chuckle to himself and I want to scream. "Of course I am stressed, one person wasn't meant to handle everything alone. But I am. A little sympathy please? A little compassion?"

And in the end, the anger only leaves me more tired, and more frustrated for problems that aren't going away. More resigned to bear up under the burden, for it seems that it is not yet time for my God to send help to me.

But I am so tired.