Today I feel completely disconnected and melancholy. I feel depressed and alone, in a world where it is just me dealing with the challenges of my children and the hole in my world where Private Ryan used to be. I feel as if there is no quiet time, and there is not a spare moment in the day when I can really relax. Even now ... as I type this post I feel guilty for being too exhausted and unmotivated to go to church this morning. And while those thoughts rush around in my head, vying with the thoughts waiting to be sent through my fingertips to this simple internet page, Teenybop's constant chatter fights for a place in the chaos.
I could wait to post at night ... and sometimes I do, but even then there isn't quiet. In the night time hours, I get my children to bed, and I rush to get the daily mess cleaned up. Sometimes I look disdainfully at the kitchen sink, give it the finger, and leave the dishes in favor of taking a shower. On those nights, I come out of the shower often feeling guilty for leaving the kitchen uncleaned, and I rush to clean it. The entire process sounds long and tiring, two hours in which I clean up the living room, straighten the kitchen, shower, and try to catch up on the laundry that is perpetually piled in my bedroom. There is also blog reading to do, emails to check, and friends that I grew up with waiting for facebook chat dates. I rush around, struggling to finish all these tasks because at some point the sun will shine through the dark tunnel that each day feels like by the time it is fully over ... At some point, Private Ryan will call, and as I answer the phone I feel the held breath of the day finally release from my chest in a whoosh.
In that moment my body relaxes. My shoulders fall away from my ears. My aching jaws unclench, leaving even my teeth feeling tense and achy although tense jaws no longer bear down. Finally I smile, not the kind I wear during the day for my children and acquaintances, but the kind that relaxes my face even though muscles are still in use. In that moment of relaxation, I finally find the quiet I have been seeking all day, and my body begins to struggle for wakefulness to last through his phone call in spite of the sudden sense of release.
But right now? He hasn't called yet and this morning has already sucked the life out of me even though there are still so many hours left in this day, a day filled with activities that are required although I have no energy or motivation to perform them. So I am trying. I am trying to pick my spirits up out of the well they seem to have fallen in.
I am reminding myself that I cannot be simply happy on my own power, and I am praying for the God who has never forsaken me to stand by me now just as He always has. I am praying for peace in my spirit, for wholeness in my heart, and for quiet in my mind. I am praying for good behavior even though that one rarely goes the way I want it to ... It seems there is some lesson I haven't learned yet. But still I pray. I read my affirmations over and over again, praying silently over each point on the list, and then I have strength to go on a little longer. When I need the list again, I repeat the process, and I remind myself that life is going on, however slowly. I remind myself that all we are going through is for our good, that it is yet another part of the plan, and that someday I will look back on this time and remember only the good ... the miracle of hindsight as a mother.
But today ... right this minute as Teenybop chatters and squeaks incessantly in spite of my requests for her to play quietly, and as Piglet wakes from her nap for earlier than I would like ... I'm trying.