Monday, June 28, 2010

Manic Monday

Today I wish for only one big thing ... but it is a thing that would be impossible for me to achieve. I want to turn back time. I want to undo telling certain people where this site is, because there are some people who may or may not be reading this, and that knowledge stops me sometimes from saying things that I would otherwise say freely. Sometimes it is because what I need to say to work out my thoughts would really hurt certain people that I love, and sometimes it is because what I need to say would give enemies who pretended to be friends more ammunition against me. But it annoys me to feel as if I have to hide my authentic self, that I have to project some image for the sake of what other people might think of me.

Had I not told certain people about this blog, had I not told them where to find my deepest and most vulnerable thoughts ... then I would still be free to post them. Alas, that is not the case, because I have made the mistake of telling certain people. Now I must be careful. And I will be careful ... But in a day or two I will attempt to update the few readers who have wondered what I'm up to, and I will struggle to work through the issue in my mind without being too open ... sadly, for my own protection.

In the meantime, today I feel like "pound-sign-question-mark-star-exclamation-point".