Monday, May 10, 2010

Manic Monday

Well, it's Monday again. This is the fourth Monday that I have greeted the day without Private Ryan there to greet it with me. This is the fourth Monday that I will feed and dress both the girls completely on my own without the strength of his presence. It is the fourth Monday that I have blindly made it through, one chaotic moment at a time, all the while wishing that it was the last Monday without him. It's a shame that we still have fourteen more Mondays to go ... at least.

What do I want this week? I'm not sure. I'm conflicted. I want my man home again. I want his face against my hands, his lips against my lips ... dare I say it? I want his skin against my skin. But I will wait as patiently as I can, because I trust what we are doing. I trust that this plan for our future is a good one. So if I can't have the first set of wants ... I want that little cool remote that Adam Sandler had in the movie "Click". Sometimes, I want to press that little fast forward button and hurry time along a little so that he can come home. Other times, I want to press rewind and play simultaneously ... put life in slow motion so that I can savor my Piglet as she grows, so that I can enjoy the short-lived peaceful moments with Teenybop. Maybe I'd like to press record to preserve all the moments that Private Ryan is missing while he is out learning to be a soldier and making us all proud. But what's the point, really ... when he's home again, I'd want to press rewind so that I could play back all the things he doesn't get to be here for. What I want is just to have these months behind us so that we can go on being a family again as long as the Army allows it.

Something else I want is to enjoy the journey. I had been reading a blog lately where the author is often concerned (like me) about the future ... What's going to happen? How will it work? Will the good times last long before the bad times come crashing in again? I don't want to waste my life looking forward to tomorrow, I want to enjoy today a little more thoroughly ... because in that future I keep seeking, all I will have left will be the yesterdays.

Like I posted before ... I want to take charge of my life. No, wait. I don't just "want to". Like I said before, I am calling the law of attraction to my side, I am calling it as a tool to remind me to be in prayer, to be positive, and to actively claim what I want for my life, instead of just "wanting." I will be actively seeking the good things I want in my life from now on. No more passive wanting for me.

**However, there will still be Manic Monday. Same day, same place, because I am after all, only human.**